


New Tiger in Hades Home

by cuchlann



Category: Blaseball (Video Game)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26362990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuchlann/pseuds/cuchlann
Summary: After the shocking incineration of Landry Violence, Paula Turnip became the newest member of the Hades Tigers. The local sports site, The Phlegethon, sends a reporter to interview her. The sad day, the childcare facilities, and Paula's interesting name are topics of conversation. The reporter said later they felt lucky to make it out alive.
Kudos: 9





	New Tiger in Hades Home

New Tiger in Hades Home

August 15, 2X2X

Everyone here at the Phlegethon is still reeling from the sudden loss of Landry Violence. No one is surprised Violence would put themselves in harm’s way to protect their host, of course, but still, the old river of fire doesn’t seem the same, knowing we won’t be reporting on Violence’s latest possession. 

We’ve got to flow with the times though, and everyone has been asking one question: “what did we do to curse ourselves with rogue umpires?” But many of us have been asking another question: “Who is Paula Turnip?” We sent your roving reporter to find out! 

We met in the Tiger offices, tucked away in a sub-level of the stadium we all know, love, and fear. She looked tired, as she’d just come from practice, but she smiled as we spoke and I, your roving reporter, felt good just talking to her. As good as you can feel in the stadium. 

**RR: Paula, everyone’s itching to find out all about you! First, why don’t you tell us what it’s like being on the Hades Tigers? Many a fan has dreamed of taking up the leaden cleat.**

Paula: I know I did! I’ve loved the Tigers since they appeared in our city, and I spent a lot of time dreaming of what it would be like to get out on that field of ashes and jump for a fly ball. It’s amazing! But it’s hard work, let me tell you. It’s worth it though. The team and management have been great, and no one’s put any pressure on me but… well, I you could guess I feel a lot of pressure taking over for Landry. It’s just a lot. 

**RR: I think everyone gets that. Landry made their choice, and we all respect it. We respect the hell out of you too, if you don’t mind me saying.**

Paula: Oh, oh, “respect the hell out of me.” That’s a good one. I wanted to talk about Landry sooner rather than later, and this is the time to do it. They possessed a lot of folks so they could keep playing blaseball, and not a one of us minded, I don’t think. I know a couple of folks who got possessed so Landry could go to practices, but I’d never met anybody who’d been in a game. When the jacket appeared in my closet I was just giddy. I had to google the incantation, or, well, parts of it, one at a time! Google translate sort of melted my speakers but it was close enough. 

We hit a single early on, that felt great. And we drew a walk after that, and we didn’t get back home but it was still good to be out there. Landry obviously was playing, but it was like I had a backseat view of everything they did. 

And well, I guess everyone knows it as well as I do. Bottom of the fifth, Richardson’s batting and we’re out in the field keeping an eye on the bases when an umpire shows up. 

I’m sorry. I don’t really want to talk about the rest. 

**RR: Of course. It’s OK. Landry impacted us all.**

Paula: It’s like they never left me. Which isn’t true, of course, they were incinerated. But I think once you’ve got Violence in you, you stay Violent. Well, that’s what I told everyone at the PTA meeting last week.

**RR: Why don’t you take some time to tell us about what it’s like being a Tiger now?**

Paula! Oh! Well, I read the Phlegethon every day, you know, and I know something you’ve never reported on! The childcare facilities! The team has really wonderful people taking care of us, you know? Because we’re out there all the time. Little Gilbert, they’re my oldest, they love the pit of echoes. Abrasax, she’s smaller, so she spends all her time in the well of dreams, but she gets to walk around in the whisperwood sometimes. We all do, I take them out in the evenings, and the gardeners are so nice, they stop cutting branches until we’re past so Abrasax can’t hear the screaming. So polite. 

**RR: childcare! Well, it stands to reason, but I suppose most of the players don’t have kids, at least not yet.**

Paula: That’s right. But plenty of the staff do, you know. And, oh, what else? The food’s good, but everyone knows that. The coaches work us like the damned, and we’d know, wouldn’t we? Peanutiel told me that one yesterday. 

It was a bit of a trial, moving in and all. The wretches packed everything up and didn’t break a single thing, but they could not keep track of what went where. I spent days, or really lots of evenings, finding tea things in the shampoo and Gillie’s picture books in the folds of the lampshades. 

I didn’t have any trouble with the bat, though. Always right where I needed it. 

**(She showed me Landry’s bat, which has been hers ever since. It’s blackened down on the handle, but, as she assured me, it would take more than an incineration to destroy the bats of the plutonic realm.**

**She’s called away by a coaching assistant. We only have time for one more question, they tell me.)**

**RR: Well, Paula, it was fantastic meeting you. I hope we get to chat again as your career takes off.**

Paula: It was lovely, I’m sorry I couldn’t make you any tea. 

**RR: Before I go, we polled fans on the site last week for the traditional Fun Fan Fact question. What the readers want to know is, what’s up with your name? Turnip is a pretty interesting surname, after all.**

**(She didn’t stop smiling, splorts fans, but I can now say I’ve been full in the face of Landry Violence’s old glowing red eyes and I did not care for it. The bat lifted over her head too, though she held a file folder in one hand and a coffee mug in the other.)**

Paula: Is there something funny about my name?

**Author's Note:**

> This is obviously in reference to the story of Landry Violence's incineration -- if you haven't read the wiki article on it yet, it's here: [https://blaseball.fandom.com/wiki/Landry_Violence ](https://blaseball.fandom.com/wiki/Landry_Violence)
> 
> There's not much else to say, I guess. I like exploring the weird nooks and crannies of weird fiction, and I haven't personally seen anyone wonder if, among all the players we've had so far, any of them had kids. So this happened.


End file.
